Sirius Tries to Help James Pick Lily up With Lines
by waterrain
Summary: I blame you padfoot. Why? Your pick up lines suck. Shut up Moony, I asked Prongs. Lily Evans hates me PLUS wants to murder me. Oh I wonder why? What's up with the rolling of your eyes Moony? Padfoot never mind. Help me. Okay Prongs here's a good one.
1. James looks for help and Sirius tells

I blame you padfoot. Why? Your pick up lines suck. Shut up Moony, I asked Prongs. Lily Evans hates me PLUS wants to murder me. Oh I wonder why? What's up with the rolling of your eyes Moony? Padfoot never mind. Help me. Okay Prongs here's a good one. This will not end well. Shut up Moony, Prongs needs some help with the ladies. Just Lily Evans. Your hopeless Prongs, Just forget her. Shut it Padfoot your suppose to help me. Okay fine.

I do not own Harry Potter, Please review and I hope you'll enjoy.

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James Potter walked up to Sirius Black and stated "Padfoot, I need your help...The showing off thing is not working. She hates me."

Sirius nodded and repiled "Of course because your acting like a jerk by not hitting on her. No not in front of a crowd plus it doesn't help when you ask her out before saying a pick up line. Your too blunt about it."

James nodded and then asked "So what kind of pick up line?"

Sirius hummed and then shouted out "Something about her face!"

James asked "What?"

Sirius sighed and stated "Your hopeless buddy, but Wormtail is even more so."

James sighed and said "Well Wormtail has a date."

Sirius raised an eyebrow and said "Who would of guessed it."

James groaned and muttered "For love of candy help me with pick up lines."

Sirius snickered and whispered the pick up line to James. Then James was on his way walking up to Lily Evans who happened to be alone.

James said to Lily trying to be smooth like how Sirius would be like "Your beautiful eyes are like shiny jewels in the sky."

Lily raised an eyebrow and repiled "My eyes are not jewels plus they are not in the sky."

Well James did not know what to say, but remembered FIRST the pick up line THEN asking her out.

James said to Lily "Go out with me please."

Lily stated "No, Potter I will not."

Lily walked away, Sirius came over and asked "How did it go."

James just sighed sadly and stated "She said her eyes are not jewel plus they are not in the sky. Then I asked her and she repiled No, Potter I will not."

Sirius nodded and said calmly "Well you must of said it wrong."

James stated "I said the same thing."

Sirius walked up to a girl and said "Hey Babe, Your eyes are like jewels and wanna go on a date with me sweetie."

The girl giggled and repiled "Sure, Sirius. Next week at 3:35Pm?"

Sirus nodded and stated "Yes and you won't forget it honey buns."

James gapped and then asked "How do you do that?"

Sirius smirked and repiled simply "I'm the best at pick up lines. Heck I can even use them on guys."

James rolled his eyes and stated "Whatever floats your boat."

Sirius stated with a grin "Going both ways is fun."

James sighed and said to Sirius "Please just help me with getting Lily Evans to be my girlfriend."

Sirius nodded and said to him thoughtfully "Well James like I said you need to know how to say it and when to say it, but that would take too long. So just say what I tell you to say okay?"

James nodded and asked "Lily can't hate me even more right?"

Oh how wrong he was that it was almost sad yet oh so funny?

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Please review and no flames.


	2. I heard from Peter

I do not own Harry Potter, Please review and I hope you'll enjoy.

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James took a deep breath and then asked Lily while smiling "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Do you want to go out with me?"

Lily said to James flatly "Potter, I'm not dead. Also if I was dead why would I fall from heaven? Unless you pushed me off making me fall like you just did. Oh and no I will not go out with you."

Well to tell the truth Sirius Black did that by using a tripping hex, but Lily didn't know that plus James highly doubted that Lily would believe him. James sighed to himself when Lily left once again leaving him heart broken.

Sirius stated to James calmly "You have once again failed at getting her to say yes."

Remus was walking over to them and Sirius yelled "Hey Moony!"

Remus rolled his eyes and said to them "I heard from Peter that you are teaching James pick up lines."

Sirius nodded and said "I was going to tell you, but we were kinda busy with the furry problem."

Remus nodded and stated "Yes. I do not think James will win Lily's heart through pick up lines."

Sirius repiled while grinning "Uh huh."

"Not uh."

"Uh huh."

That went on for a while until Peter showed up and yelled "That chick thought I was chick!"

It was all quiet until Sirius busted out laughing loudly and then James did too. Remus rolled his eyes and stated to Peter "She must be a complete moron. You do not look like a chick at all."

Needless to say James felt better even though Lily said no when he asked her out.

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Please review and there is more to come.


	3. Some pick up lines must not be told

I do not own Harry Potter, Please review and I hope you'll enjoy.

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James said to Lily in a dreamy voice "I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away."

Lily stated flatly "Curse Potter Repeat."

James asked Lily "Will you go out with me?"

Lily rolled her eyes, sighed and said simply "No."

Then she left and Sirius appeared and said "I wonder why that didn't work."

Remus came out and said in a Like-Duh kind of voice "Lily is not going to fall for those corny pick up lines."

Sirius looked as if to be in deep thought and then yelled "I have the perfect one!"

Remus sighed and muttered "Lily will most likely hate James more."

Sirius grinned and said to James "Say to your beloved Lily 'Your so hot  
I'll pop your cherry sweetie.' She'll go out with you."

Remus heard that and turned to James to say 'For the love of pranks do not say that to Lily', but found James missing.

Remus said to Sirius "Lily is going to want to murder James...You do realise that right?"

Sirius repiled "James won't be that dumb..I was just joking...The sex pick up lines is Plan B...Oh crap."

Remus rolled his eyes and stated "Yeah Padfoot you think."

Sirius was running after James yelling 'Don't Do it! You haven't said the one before it!', but it was too late.

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James said to Lily "Lily my beloved flower, Your so hot I'll pop your cherry."

Lily looked very ticked and yelled "Go screw yourself Potter!"

James asked with a confused look on his face wondering why Lily was so mad ",But isn't a cherry some kind of food? Right?"

Lily glared and asked sharply "What were you reading some kind of pick up lines?"

James said to her "Uh kind of and will you go out with me?"

Lily glared and snapped "No, Potter."

She left ticked, Sirius was running while yelling and James was confused.

Sirius was panting out of breath and muttered to himself "Too late."

James asked Sirius while looking a bit worried "What is wrong Padfoot?"

Sirius repiled "Uh nothing Prongs, but anyway I have a good pick up line for Lily Evans."

James stated "Hopefully this one works better."

Remus shakes his head and muttered "Figures, Sirius doesn't tell the truth. Now where did Peter run off to now? James is doomed and it is his own fault for listening to Sirius."

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Please review and there is more to come of course. Please review so that I can know if you like this story or not. I'm not a mind reader and the only way that I can know is by reviews.


	4. Lily Evans laughs

Padfoot why does Lily want to murder me? I don't know. Morons it is because of that comments about popping cherry's. But Moony ever heard of Cherry Bombs that some Muggles and Wizards flush down the toliet? Uh yeah that's right Prongs. Padfoot your just terrible. Hush Moony and Prongs just listen to me and Lily will love you. Really? Bullshit. Oh my you just cussed. Shut it Padfoot I don't want to hear it. Whatever Moony you ruined the moment. What moment Padfoot, Prongs is day dreaming that Lily loves him and by the way things are going it won't happen. Your such a downer Moony. Padfoot stop with your laughing. It's too funny Moony 'Downer'. Oh for the love of pranks forget that little word and just help Prongs. Bye Moony and now Prongs listen carefully.

I do not own Harry Potter, Please review and I hope you'll enjoy.

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James smiled at Lily and walked over then said to her sweetly "If you were a candy I would eat you up."

Lily rolled her eyes and repiled dully "That pick up line was lame and dumb."

James looked at a piece of paper and then said to her "I lost my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?"

Lily noticed the paper, but didn't comment on it.

Lily stated to James "No."

James nodded and then asked "Will you go out with me."

Lily repiled shortly "No Potter."

James dropped the paper and then picked it up again.

James said to Lily "I may not be Wilma, but I can sure make your bedrock."

Lily couldn't help, but to laugh at that question. Lily walked away laughing and then Sirius walked up to James. Sirius was laughing inside because Prongs read the pick up lines to use on guys when he picked up the paper.

Sirius stated while grinning "At least she is laughing and not yelling at you Prongs."

James smiled and said happily "She didn't yell at me."

Sirius nodded and said to James in a matter of fact tone "Peter has gained some weight."

James raised an eyebrow and asked "And I care why?"

Sirius snickered and repiled "You sound like a girl."

James stated in a cheeky way "And you look like a girl."

Then Peter and Remus walked toward them.

Remus said to James "I saw Lily laughing something about the bedrock pick up line."

Peter started to say to James "And something about you saying a pick up used for---"

Sirius yelled loudly "Alright! Let's do some pranks since it has been a while."

Remus rolled his eyes, Peter looked confused and James was already plotting a prank with Sirius.

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Please Review.


	5. Body like wonderland? Lily is Scary

**Sorry that I have not uploaded lately and hope that all of you will enjoy! I find the pick up lines by using google, but I have edited some parts and added more on some.**

_Hey Padfoot when will Lily finally say Yes James? Prongs by the end of all this she will be begging you for a date. Bullshit again Padfoot your such a liar and most likely will want to murd-. COUGH COUGH Any way ignore Moony and just trust me Prongs old pal. Okay, but this had better work Padfoo and I must be going now to use that one pick up line bye for now. Padfoot your going to get Prongs murdered by Lily. No it will all work out! Padfoot if James is killed or hexed or anything by Lily you are to be blamed. Shut up Moony that won't happen. You just jinxed yourself. Damnit. Yes and James is doomed by a lack of love life because of your crappy pick up lines. It works for me. Yes because all the pick up lines is said to easy girls and Lily in no way is easy._

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James smiled at Lily and then said to her sweetly "If your amazing beauty were sunlight, you'd shine brightly from a million light-years away."

Lily simply replied back "That was just a lame pick up line Potter."

James just nodded and then asked her "Will you go out with me Lily?"

Lily snapped harshly "No Potter."

James sighs softly as Lily once again walks away from him. Sirius arrived and then asked James "How did it go."

James stated "Awful.."

Sirius thought for a moment and then told his best friend James "Well not use three pick up lines for good luck. I have the perfect ones too."

James nodded and then asked him "What are the pick up lines?"

Sirius smiled and then said to him the pick up lines. Remus heard Sirius telling James the three pick up lines then muttered "Morons."

James walked up to Lily and said to her "Your body is a shapely wonderland full of many wonders and I want to be a male Alice so that I can explore all of the wonders of it. Well sweetie like the sheets on your beautiful bed I want to be the one to cover you with my love. Oh you've been such a really bad girl like dark witch bad so go to my private room."

Lily glared at him then slapped him hard across the face and yelled "Potter your such a damn pig!"

James looked confused, but yet still asked "Will you go out with me?"

Lily snapped loudly "NO POTTER!"

James got hexed by Lily and she stomped away angrily. All James could muttered to himself "What did I do wrong?"

Remus walked over to Sirius and stated "You Sirius are of no help at all."

Sirius told Remus "I'm of help Moony. At least he felt Lily's hand.."

Remus replied "Yeah of her slapping him. Yeah really helpful there Padfoot."

Sirius stated "Yeah I'm really helpful Moony and stop with the sarcasm."

Remus stated flatly "No I won't stop with my sarcasm. The whole sexual pick up lines won't work. In fact it will make it worse Sirius."

Sirius sighs then said to Remus flatly "It will work I tell you."

Remus raised an eyebrow and replied with sarcasm "Oh really now Sirius."

Sirius nodded and told Remus "Yes."

Remus shakes his head and just walked away. James walked past Remus to get to Sirius.

James stated to Sirius flatly "It didn't work. Lily slapped me really really hard across my cheek and I think she would make a great beater for the team. She hexed me too and how should I do now?"

Sirius told James "Don't worry it shall work. Now why don't you just go to the kitchens to get some ice cream and have some ice for your face."

Sirius saw James walk away, but then he saw Lily Evans. Lily was walking toward Sirius and then shoved him. Sirius fall to the floor in shock and Lily had her wand in her hand glaring angrily at Sirius.

Lily snapped "You are the one who put the stupid idea of using pick up lines on me into Potter's mind. I have almost had enough of it and I'm very tempted to hex you so bad right now."

Sirius said nervously to Lily "Uh Lily just think about it for a minute don't be hasty now."

Lily raised an eyebrow and replied to him "Really now Black. You must really think that this is a joke and you really are helping me to hate Potter more plus yourself. Of course 

Potter must have trusted you to not screw up, but oh you did Black. You only have yourself to blame. Next time Potter uses those kind of lame and sexual pick up lines. I will show you hasty and you may find yourself without something."

Lily walked away and Sirius let out a breath. Then he muttered "Man what a scary woman."

Sirius sighs and muttered to himself "Why does Lily know it was me that put that idea into Prong's mind anyway."

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Please read and Review. No flames Thank You. There will be more, but please do Review.

Will Sirius stop trying to help James with pick up lines? Will Lily and James ever get together? How does Lily know it was Sirius that put the idea of pick up lines into James mind?


	6. Sirius found out who told Lily

Thank you padfootlover13 for reviewing! Hope all that are reading this story shall enjoy!

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Sirius had a wonderful now who it was that told Lily and gasp he even went over the details. Of course Sirius made sure that Lily and James are not around when he found Remus. Sirius had thought after all Moony had so little faith and must of told on me because he thinks that I'm ruining Prong's chances.

Remus raised an eyebrow and then asked Sirius "What is your issue Padfoot?"

Sirius snapped "You are the issue you ratted me out Moony to the enemy."

Remus looked confused and then asked "The enemy?"

Sirius replied "Lily Evans."

Remus stated "No she is not because you are helping James to get her to date him. Or that would be flirting with the enemy."

Sirius rolled his eyes and then snapped "Not the point Moony. Your avoiding the question did you or did you not tell Lily about me telling which pick up lines to use."

Remus stated "You moron. You have already dug your own grave so why on earth would I want to speed up the process? I did not tell Lily Evans anything about this at all and--"

Sirius crossed his arms and stated firmly "I do not believe you Remus."

Remus said to Sirius calmly "It doesn't matter what you may think that you know, but I'm telling the truth."

Sirius yelled "I know who did told Lily Evans and it is--"

Peter ran up to Sirius and said to him with watery eyes "I'm sorry Sirius, but you already know it was me and Lily made me tell. Forgive me."

Sirius was wided eyed and said to Peter "It was you Wormtail and here I think it was Moony. Sorry Moony."

Remus stated "Now release your grip on my shoulder you bruised it for no reason."

Remus walked away shooking his head and Sirius decided that Wormtail was not worth the effort of yelling. Peter was close to crying and Sirius had a head ache. Then James appeared and saw Peter crying. James was confused and Sirius was whistling.

James asked Sirius "What did you do to him Sirius? Is he broken?"

Sirius replied "Nothing and Nope not broken. Anyway I'll tell you only one pick up line today and wish you luck Prongs."

James asked him "So what is the pick up line?"

Sirius replied "I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you."

James nodded and then went off to find Lily. Sirius muttered "That scary Lily shouldn't be upset about that pick up line at all."

James found Lily and said to her nicely "I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you."

Lily replied with sarcasm "Oh thanks a lot Potter now I'm some kind of alcohol."

James grinned and then replied to her "Your welcome Lily. However do you want to go out with me?"

Lily snapped out "No Potter quit asking already it is getting really old really fast."

Lily walked away and James muttered "What did I do wrong?"

Remus stated to Sirius "I hope that your happy."

Sirius told Remus "At least he didn't get hexed and that must mean that she was not super pissed like last time. Which means she won't hex me and I'm home free for right now."

Remus said to Sirius ",But for how long?"

Sirius replied "No idea, but we have to cheer Prongs up before he tries to drown himself like a turkey."

Remus sighs and then said "Good thing it is not raining out."

Then it started to rain and Remus muttered "Spoke too soon."

James had has face to the sky with his mouth opened. Sirius dragged James back into the Hogwarts halls.

James muttered "Lily hates me."

Sirius replied "Oh no she doesn't hate you."

Remus muttered "Your such a liar."

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Please review and no flames. Thank You.


	7. James asks

James found Lily and told her "Lily, The moon envy's your beauty and the stars glare in envy of your shine."

Lily stated to him "You are talking nonsense Potter."

Sirius was watching and Peter was there too. James decided to pretend he didn't hear what Lily had said and went on with the other pick up line. After all Sirius had showed him many pick up lines and he can just say a bunch of them if that one didn't work. James smiled then told her "Did you fart? Because you blew me away. You must be in a wrong place - the Miss Universe contest is over there. Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world? I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true. Are you a magnet cuz I'm attracted to you. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access. I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready. "

Sirius muttered to Peter "I'm so doomed."

Peter muttered back "Yes and I think we should run."

Lily yelled "Potter you moron! There is so much wrong in those pick up lines that it is not even funny! I ought to just hex you from here to China!"

James sighs and decided to ask "Now that I think about it what is chloroform? What is DSL?"

Lily stated "Ask someone else and I'm leaving."

James asked "Well you go out with me?"

Lily snapped "No Potter."

Lily was trying to find Sirius Black, James was trying to find Sirius and Remus was trying to find Sirius. However Sirius was in hiding and Peter was following him. Sadly Peter coughed and Lily found them.

Sirius yelled at Peter "Peter you just couldn't hold that cough!"

Lily yelled at Sirius "Black you just couldn't stop filling Potter's head with pick up lines!"

Sirius yelled at Lily "So what Evans it's not my fault I pointed to the wrong page!"

Peter yelled at both of them "Why am I always blamed?!"

Sirius and Lily yelled at each other not to Peter "Shut up!"

Peter decided to be smart and fleed the scene. James and Remus followed the yelling. They found Sirius and Lily at wand point with each other. James got Sirius while Remus got Lily. James and Sirius walked to the common room while Remus and Lily went somewhere else. James stated to Sirius "Sirius your suppose to help me get Lily not you threatening her."

Sirius sighed and then told James "She started it. I will help you win her. So there was this one line I thought would be wonderful."

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Please review and no flames Thank You. There shall be more. I made up the line The moon envy's your beauty and the stars glare in envy of your shine

Will James ever learn? Will Lily make it so Sirius can't have any kids?


	8. Peter tells

_Hey padfoot why did you have your wand pointed at Lily? Prongs she totally started it. Padfoot do not say 'totally' and it was yo--. Shut up Moony, James don't listen to him because he is drunk off his ass. Okay, Now what else should I say to Lily?_

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_**Sirius not ready to give up on the hopeless James Potter even though Lily Evans wants to hurt them badly for annoying her with 'useless' pick up lines. Sirius of course thought that pick up lines always worked and not willing to be proven wrong. James is not willing to give up on his love for Lily Evans even though he is always shot down. Lily Evans however wishes for Potter to stop with the useless, but sometimes funny pick up lines.**_

Lily was sitting on the ground under a large oak tree and reading a classic. Then James arrived and cleared his throat.

Lily looked up then muttered "Oh great it is you Potter. What a way to spoil a book and a wonderful day."

James smiled then asked her "Hey Lily do you have a scarlet bandaid? I just hurt myself falling for your beautiful smile."

Lily rolled her eyes then told him "You do not know what a bandaid looks like at all Potter."

James coughed then decided to say something else "I hope your day is as radiant as your beautiful and wonderful smile. Plus you make me melt just like a hot fudge on a sundae."

Lily stated flatly "It was a good day until you arrived."

James ignored it then said to her "You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche. Are you a beautiful alien? You abducted my heart."

Lily sighed then repiled "Bullshit Potter you do not know what on earth a Porsche happens to be at all just like a bandaid."

James grinned then said to her "These are the last ones for today Lily. What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.I can tell your future, it is you telling me your number."

Lily was not happy at all and James then asked her 'Will you go out with me'. Of course Lily yelled NO YOU MORON and went off to look for Sirius Black That Will Be A Dead Man. James was confused then pouted slightly at Lily yelling then leaving.

Peter had ran off, he by mistake ran into Lily, and she forced him to tell her where Sirius was at currently. Lily saw Sirius and ran after him.

Sirius muttered "Oh shit. She is going to kill me."

Lily yelled "Black you are a dead man! Knock it off with giving Potter ideas to say!"

Sirius throw Remus at her and Remus was not happy. So Lily and Remus teamed up to catch up with Sirius.

Remus yelled "Sirius you shall pay!"

Sirius thought 'Bad move.'

Sirius was hexed by Lily and Remus. James had no idea and Peter was currently pleased to not get hexed. Of course Sirius plans later to hex Peter for telling Lily.

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Please Review and Thank You.


	9. Moony's payback

**Sirius of course got Peter back for telling on him to Lily. Peter's hair is now pink along with his skin and all of his clothing it will last for four says. Remus turned Sirius's hair a neon green and Sirius freaked out about how his hair is no longer beautiful. James was depressed and wondering what to do now for Sirius decided to not help as long as his hair is neon green. Lily was pleased after four days of no pick up longs from Potter.**

Sirius yelled happily "Finally, That blasted neon green color is gone!"

Remus stated "Next, time you push me toward Lily Evans. I will make you bald for a bloody week. I hate getting pushed."

Sirius muttered "Got to be more careful or my hair is doomed."

James was sulking and Peter was trying to cheer him up by singing 'I feel so pretty'. Peter's singing voice was not good and a bit high pitch. Then James noticed that Sirius's hair is back to normal and walked over.

James asked Sirius "Now, Will you help me?"

Remus muttered "This is doom for failure."

Sirius hissed to Remus 'Shut up Moony' and then grinned while he repiled to James "Yes."

Then Sirius handed James a list and shooed him away to Lily Evans. Sirius grinned and then told Remus "It will work. Plus Evans won't be pissed off."

Remus smiled and said in a fake voice "Whatever you say Sirius."

Inside Remus was laughing and thought 'Sirius you should have looked at what list you gave James.' Of course Remus, Sirius, and Peter decided to go and watch.

James took out the list and Lily looked bored. Then James said "I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long."

Lily rolled her eyes and made no comment. James said " Let's get you out of these wet clothes. 4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package."

Lily stated "You do not know what UPS means and I'm not checking out your package."

Sirius was thinking 'Wait a moment I didn't write those Pick up Lines for James to read.'

James told Lily "Nice ass... what time does it open?"

Lily's brain clicked about what kind of pick up lines those are and discovered that those were gay pick up lines. Lily started laughing loudly, but also thought of making Sirius pay for that stupid list that he gave Potter. When Potter said "You're the most beautiful guy let's--" Lily couldn't help herself and laughed louder even more so after Potter screamed 'Sirius, You gave me the gay pick up lines! Not gay as in happy, but as in homosexual. Lily is not a guy and I love Lily!' 

Remus was smirking and Sirius was pale. Peter let out a little giggle and Sirius muttered "Remus, You switched the lists. That list for some other person. Shut up Peter and stop bloody smirking Moony."

Remus stated "You best start running now."

Sirius asked Remus "Why?"

Peter decided to answer "Well, James, Evans, and two other people are walking toward you Sirius."

Remus grinned then told Sirius "I told the homosexual couple before hand and they thought the list of pick up lines sucked. I mean both sets of them and they want their money back. Oh, I believe they decided to tell Lily and James."

Sirius ran for it while yelling "No Refunds!"

Lily and James of course caught up yelled at Sirius. However James was nice enough to give the couple their money from his own money since James did not want to dig into Sirius's pockets which all contain melted candy. Sirius was landed with shocking pink hair and he screamed high pitched 'Nooooooooooooooooooooooo'. Lily's and James ears hurt after Sirius's high pitched scream.

James asked "Lily, will you go out with me?"

Lily replied "No."

It was back to the drawing board for James and having to wait once again for Sirius's hair to be normal again. Remus cheered Sirius up by saying "At least your not bald…yet."

Sirius stated "Next time I'll look at the list and now people will be expecting refunds if their pick up lines do not work. I'll be out of business."

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Please review and there shall be more. I do not own these pick up lines for this chapter.


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